In Praise of the Properly Picked Fruit

I decided to write about the thing that was foremost in my mind at the time.  That happened to be fruit.  Lucky you.

There is an art form to purchasing fruit.  At least that is true for me.  This is because I am a picky fruit eater.  I am not all that picky about food in general, save for mayonnaise, which is not a food but something in the paste family, and sweet pickles, which is basically a cucumber fermented in the nastiest of spices that stink.  But about fruit, I am beyond picky.  In fact, I have little tolerance for a poorly chosen fruit.  With me, fruit has a shelf life of about two days.  Any fruit kept longer than that is no longer a food.  It’s just mushy, decaying plant life waiting to be thrown away.

Nectarines, peaches, cherries, apples, grapes, and watermelon.  These are my fruits of choice.  Watermelon doesn’t really get included in this particular writing because this is about picking the right fruit.  That’s just a crap-shoot, I don’t care who tells you they can tell by thumping it.  What is that about, anyway?  I mean, I can thump the belly of a pregnant woman and announce that it’s going to be a boy and I have a 50/50 shot of being right.  Now, back in the day, you would walk up to a melon stand, pull out a Barlow pocketknife, and cut a “plug” out of the watermelon to determine if it was ripe or not.  You walk into a grocery store today and pull out a pocketknife and you will likely be tackled by some well-meaning grocery shopper who fears you are threatening to do something politically incorrect.  (They probably pick their fruit by the "grab and throw" method.  That is, "oh, nectarines, grab 4 and throw them in the cart!"  I have no tolerance for these people.)  Not to mention the fact that if you did cut a plug out of a watermelon, you’re going to buy that watermelon even if the plug you cut out is as green as a Gecko.  Where was I?

Oh yes, picking fruit.  For me, fruit has to be very firm, so that it has a soft crunch to it, but not green.  If it’s ripe to most people, it’s probably already rotten to me.  Where apples are concerned, it has to be a Granny Smith.  And it has to be tart enough to pull your cheeks together when you take a bite.  Don’t even let me smell a Delicious or Jonathan apple.  Mushy, and not dense enough.  Yes, I said “not dense enough.”  It’s a texture thing with me.  Bananas?  Don’t let me even see a brown spot.  I’d rather have a green banana than a “ripe” banana.  Grapes?  They have to be seedless only, and nothing soft.  My basic test with a grape is to pull one off the bunch, throw it on the floor of the grocery store, and it has to bounce back up to at least my knee. 

These are not options with me.  These are hard and fast rules.  For example, I love Bing cherries.  LOVE them.  But one has to be careful when selecting them or pay the consequences.  Allow me to quote from the fruit scriptures.

Fruitations 3:1-12
“And there shall be cherries, and they shall be good; behold, pies shall be made from the reddest of these.  And they shall be good and lo, many will be eaten—yea, with coffee and ice cream they shall be warmed and eaten.

But the greatest of these shall be called Bing.  And so it shall be that Bing cherries will be tasty.  Yea, they shall bring forth juice and it shall be dark red and shall stain all that touch it.  Yea, even thy fingers shall be stained.  And the Bing cherry shall be eaten one following the other, until thy stomach acheth.
 
But there shall be a bad Bing.  And the bad Bing shall be mixed among the good Bing.  Woe to the produce manager who allows the bad Bing and the good Bing to intermingle.  For the bad Bing shall be malodorous and slimy and shall bring its bad Bingness to the good Bing  and shall make the good Bing bad. 

But the good Bing shall be firm, sweet, and with the right amount of tartness.  Yea, the good Bing shall ‘plunch’ when bitten into; by this ye shall know that thy Bing is good.
 
And let the stems and stainful pits of thy Bings fall into thy trash receptacle with ease and with minimal stainness.

Let all grocery stores which choose to carry the Bing hear and have discernment concerning the good and bad Bing, and let them make note as the Bing is offered.

For it is written, ‘There shall be few fruits as tasty as the good Bing; but woe to the eater of the slimy Bing, for theirs will be the loss of appetite and the washing out of the mouth to rid themselves of the sliminess.’

So it is written, so let it be done.”

Yes, it’s like that.  I love good fruit.  Poorly picked fruit has no place in my life.  I knew you would want to know these things about me.