It's a new year. It's coming, and it cannot be stopped. It is approaching more rapidly now. In the early months of 2010, it seemed a long way off--moving slowly but surely. Like when I move from the Christmas dinner table to the nearest recliner; I know I will get there, I just don't know how long it will take. But since the end of October, the approaching new year seems to have picked up speed. And now, here it is.
I know the new year is here because all of my wall calendars are out of pages. Also, my wife is already reminding me not to write "2010" on any checks I write after December 31st. I really should watch that, because it's much harder to scribble a "1" over a "0" than it is some other numbers, say a "7", no matter how hard you press, how many times you repeat the stroke, or how thick you try and make it.
I can also tell the new year is here because I'm already beginning to feel guilty. This is because I have yet to make my new year's resolutions. Oh, wait--I forgot, I don't call them "resolutions" anymore. Rarely does anything that I have resolved to do in the coming year get resolved. So now I just say "I'm setting goals." That way, if nothing gets resolved in the coming year, I can just say, "Well, my expectations were way too high! I must learn to set more attainable goals."
Anyway, this is another way I know it's a new year: I haven't set my goals for the coming year. And now I'm beginning to feel guilty about it. This means I am already behind on not attaining my goals. At this pace, it's going to be spring before I get my goals set, and, what--September or October before I admit that I can't attain the goals I set for this year, because my expectations were too great. And of course, by then, the next new year is approaching at warp speed, and I'll have to start concentrating on goals for the next new year. I swear, it never ends.
Setting goals. Making resolutions. Both of those terms really sound as though a person is making giant strides toward self-improvement, don't they? I should just call it what it is: Another Chance to Set Unrealistic Goals Which I Know I Will Never Be Able to Attain but Which I Will Set Anyway, and Then When I Fail to Attain Those Unrealistic Goals Within the Unrealistic Time Period of One Year, I Will Feel Guilty, But I Will Set Them Anyway Because I Will Also Feel Guilty If I Do Not Set Some Goals for the New Year. That's a little cumbersome to write, and even more ponderous to read, however. Maybe I'll find a better way of saying it, but for now, I'll just call it Setting Goals. Hey, wait...I just had an idea! Let me write that down. . .Find a better way of saying it. That's now one of my goals for 2011.
When I'm setting my goals, I look back at the previous year and take inventory. As I've already mentioned, rarely can I attain every goal set down in one year. Sometimes, you just have to scratch some of the tougher ones off the list and forget about them. Those would be things like, "Lose weight." "Get taller." But then, sometimes previous year goals can carry over. This makes your job of setting new goals much easier! Here are a few of my carry-over goals from last year, which I will be including in my list for this year.
1. Take a trip to Alaska on one of those cruises hosted by a local television celebrity and their lovely spouse
2. Beat my brothers-in-law at golf
3. Beat anyone at golf
4. Save enough money to pay someone to let me beat them at golf
5. Discover a way to make health food taste like a medium done, thick, juicy steak
6. Eat more health food
7. Arrange to put the Slap-Chop guy, the Progressive girl, and the "stars" from all local car dealer television ads in one room and see who can out-annoy the others. . . . .to death. . .like a cage match
8. Become one of those people who do nothing but write letters to the editor of the local newspaper
9. Become more tolerant of bad TV commercials and people who do nothing but write letters to the editor of the local newspaper.
10. Finish last year's Christmas shopping by February. Okay March.
There! Wow, I feel better already! I'm well on my way to getting my goals set for 2011! All things considered, I expect a great 2011. You know, this is amazing, but writing this has been a catharsis for me.
Wait, I have to write that down. . .Look up 'catharis' and learn definition.
I'd better stop before my list gets too long. Then I wouldn't be able to attain any of my goals. And I'm really looking forward to that cage match. My money's on Flo.
Witty commentary.
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